I typed quite a long essay just in time for a contest and to make up for the silence I practiced in almost a month but something happened when I was done writing (I think it may be intentional) so it was all erased. So much for the contest.
I might as well break the silence now.
First, I would clarify that my silence has allowed for some time to rest and heal. I have been hurt, accused and insulted way beyond the norm. Yet in all that, I believe I am still not getting what I deserve. I deserve worse than what I am having now, for my betrayal and disobedience. By God’s grace, He has let me recover and even allowed me to speak on His behalf. What a great God.
The attacks I have received are the very things I have done to some people, maybe even worse. I hope my apologies, through this message, will reach those whom I have falsely accused, hurt and insulted. I know the feeling and I know how it is to be forgiven. I (same with Dale) forgive those who have mistreated me, intentionally or not.
There were things I wrote in anger, but because God instructed me to be silent, I was able to remain quiet and kept to my notes in private, painstakingly restraining myself from posting publicly. However, seeing that privacy is easily compromised, my words might have been read, after all. I am sorry again; I didn’t mean to be so careless, causing so much trouble. I know little in the reality but I feel the weight in the supernatural. I have finally accepted that God allowed it to happen, basically to humble and break my stubborn attitude. Not much of a matter now because I am out of the wilderness—redeemed and renewed both in mind and spirit. Thank God again. I am now at the mercy of Him whom I have offended—God Himself.
There is a message from God. Two actually. A warning first. Dale has been affected by the way I was treated. In his prayer, he spoke a curse, first in a foreign tongue and without an interpreter, we were only able to perceive the weight of it, so we couldn’t tell exactly, let alone rebuke it. This morning, (more than a month after), he said it again, this time in English. I asked whether I need to write it or not (writing it would set it in stone and I am frightened for the people involved) but he said yes. Everyone deserves to have a chance to ask for forgiveness. God will have mercy to whom He will have mercy.
“Our enemies will have their heads on the table,” Dale said. This refers to the ones responsible in harassing us day and night. At that moment, I saw the heads. There were many. It was a long table. Those who had ill-intent towards us. It was clear that it was not necessarily about death. It came with the figurative vision of those of us whose heads are on a plate ready to be served to these people. But God is saying to His people, “They put your heads on a plate, but their heads are already on the table.”
I have made a lot of mistakes in judgement, foolishness in my actions and unrighteousness, especially in using my skills. Along the way though, I believe I have made some friends with some strangers. Thank you to all who listened and did their best to protect me. I also have friends (even those who were more blind than I am of the situation) covering me in prayer, even now. Thank you.
Now I understand why some things should not be ventured into. If curiosity killed the cat, then I either have more than nine lives or I am not a cat. I also gained a valuable lesson that sometimes, withholding the truth from a person means protection, and prolonged silence sometimes calls for a state of trust. I was blindfolded with the good intention to be spared. The silence on my part, however, is a gesture of respect and breaking it is a way to honor my word.
In the end, I have learned that there is no shame when one is covered by the blood of Christ. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. It does not matter what we did yesterday if we can look forward to tomorrow. The consequences come but nothing should hold us down. His mercies are new every morning and great is His faithfulness.
After the tumult, there is always the promise. After the storm, a rainbow is expected. Let us hold on to His power and might.
To my friends out there, I believe I should call all of us to rise up. I see artists, writers, intellectuals fading into depression and death day by day, weighed down by weaknesses, sometimes shame and oftentimes loss. Let us rise up against the glorification of misery and hopelessness; it is time to glorify the One whom glory is due. We should uphold instead the beautiful, the noble and the pure—Jesus Christ. We are, after all, the great minds of today and we should not be intimidated by fear. Let us stop looking down at ourselves and instead, let us look up to God, who will use the very weapons used against us to destroy the works of the enemy—the evil that lurks around to steal, kill and destroy.
Arise, my friends, for what is there to lose? They seek to divide us, have us fight against each other when we should be working in unity. Each one of us has a calling and a specific purpose. Let’s use them together to fight darkness as we all side with the Light. What’s the point of a long life, barely living, if we can live fully for a day? What is there to lose?
We all have our flaws. We all can be tricked to do something against our honor in our darkest moments. Whether we have been caught or not, we all are not immune to sin and temptation. It is the beauty of God’s grace which is sufficient in our weakness.
What else is there to lose? But in Christ we have everything to gain. Let us surrender to Christ. No one can stop us from serving His purpose. We are all unworthy and that gives more power to love. His love is even stronger as He calls us.
Arise, friends. I have documented and recorded the darkest parts of me and I am caught in the midst of the shame. What else is there to lose? God is making me stand on solid ground, on dry land, for my confidence is in Christ. I am being talked about and ridiculed, maybe at this moment. However, I do not live to please these people. Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart. God restores my heart everyday. He is that good. He is in control.
I invite you into the presence of a holy God who knows how to love. Encounter Him. Be empowered by Him. Embrace Him.
His love is everlasting. I have learned that after all the pain and destruction caused by and inflicted upon me, love triumphs. For nothing can force-spark the flame of love as much as nothing can force-snuff it out.
If we are going to risk our necks anyway, let us do it as free men who have a purpose. Let us find something worth throwing our life into.
26 “So do not be afraid of them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. 27 What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. 28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
44 “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.”
45 “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. 46 When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.”
2 Tim 1:7
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”